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Monday, Jul. 15, 2002 - 2:08 a.m. |
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I'm arguing with people a hella lot more now, these days.
When I was in school, elementary to high school, I always wondered what people had arguments about. Like, fights and stuff. Why people fell out with other people. Because I'd never really had an argument with anyone. I mean, my mom always said I argued a lot, which I did--but never about anything that. . . that I can imagine friendships ending, or people breaking up, over. I was just arguing with mom over. . . stuff. Random stuff. You left the stove on. No, I didn't. Yeah, you did. Etc. But I couldn't imagine like, how kids at school would stop being friends with one another over the things they fought about. In my pre-12th grade life, I think I'd only ever had problems with someone else twice. Once, in middle school, I accidentally lost this girl Cory's bag--she was going some place, so she put her bag on the ground and told me to watch it--I'm not sure what happened, but when she came back, it was gone. Understandably, she hated me for the rest of our middle school careers. And once, in a high school speech or theatre class, we were supposed to be writing anonymously about other students for some reason or other, and I was . . .well . . . particularly blunt in my assessment of a couple of my classmates, and they got quite upset with me when they found out who it was. I didn't mean any harm, I didn't say anything mean, it's just that I wasn't exactly saying anything in praise either, so . . . yeah. But they got over it quickly, I apologized, they were quite okay with it, and all was good. And that's about it. In all of my however many long years in school, that was about it. I guess I never really had major problems with people because I never really. . . invested . . . in anyone, before maybe around senior year of high school. And I mean, I changed schools every year or two, or less, anyway. It's not really enough time to know anyone well enough, or spend enough time with them, for anything to really matter. For you to have invested anything in anyone. For anything they do to really hurt you. For you to get your expectations up about anyone. And yeah, I kept in touch with my friends from Orange High School through the years, but. . . I mean, it was mostly emails and occassional phone calls and such. I dunno, maybe this is normal. Maybe everyone's thinking, well, gee, I never had any problems with anyone either, in my entire life. Well, good for you. And now, I argue with people, because there are actually people who I *gasp* have known for YEARS now. That I still talk to regularly. And that's so . . . weird. . . a feeling. To actually have issues with people, to have arguments that get personal, to get mad at people, to have people get mad at me. I don't know if maybe it's just that I got older, and maybe before when I was younger, I was simply emotionally incapable of this kinda thing, or what. I tend to think it's the fact that I actually know people now, but. . . I say that a lot. That I never had friends before I got to Iolani, but I know that's not true. While brushing my teeth this morning, I even decided to make a list of all the friends I had before I got to Iolani, so that I could say "HERE! Look, people cared, so stop feeling so damned sorry for yourself, you selfish, miserable, little bitch." I mean, there's always Jenna and Kristen, and OHS people, and Megan from middle school, etc. etc. But I mean, as for those people who I still keep in touch with, back then when I was with them, I hadn't known THEM for very long either, so it wasn't. . . at the same level, or anything. It was. . . different. Or something. Anyway, I'm not totally sure what the point of this entry was, but I feel very. . . messed up now. Blah.
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