Hi. Thanks for writing to me. Seattle's great, I like it a lot--I like the city-ness of it, the diversity of people, and I even like the weather! School hasn't started yet, it starts on the 29th, there's been a TA conference going on that just ended today, so I've been on campus daily, and the comp sci & engineering orientation is next week. I'm worried about not fitting in or making friends, I'm intimidated and worried that I'm not as qualified or smart as everyone else, I'm worried that the students I TA for will realize how little I know and I will lose credibility, I'm not sure how to handle my roommate--he's a great guy, but I only want to be left alone in my room to read and such, and I feel like that's being too anti-social so I feel like I should make friends, especially since he's a nice person, and is also a new grad student in comp sci, and since he did the work of finding the apartment--I don't want to seem like someone who just moves in and shuts herself up-- but I don't really want to be social.

But then again, I don't want to be lonely, and I realize the importance of making friends and meeting people, so I want to try make friends with people in my department, but I. . . also just kinda feel anti-social. I don't know why. I just don't want to go out or do anything, I just want to sit home and read. And this is bizarre, because. . . I used to want to do nothing but go out and hang out with people, and over the past year (in Hawaii) I just kinda lost that and all I want is to be left alone.

But I shouldn't do that, I need to socialize, and network, and whatever, if for no other reason than for professional purposes.

All my worries seem ridiculous, laughable, nearly childish to me. Because these are the kinds of things people go through when they first go off to college, and I remember thinking, in college--what idiots! Because I entered college with lots of confidence and lots of social energy, and I couldn't understand all those people who were worried about, say, not making friends, or school being too hard, because I knew I could make friends, and I had friends, and I knew that the school work would be easy for me, and it was, for the most part.

But now I just feel so . . . I'm not even sure what. Lost, I guess. I would feel a lot better if I could just, right now, instead of going to grad school, open up a little bookshop or something, and spend my days reading and writing and give up grad school all together. Or work at some music and record store, or something....just not go to grad school. I love Seattle a lot; I'm extremely apprehensive about grad school.

But I got into the UW comp sci program! That's incredible. It's one of the top ten in the nation. And I know ten years down the line, I'll just kick myself for not having gotten my PhD.

So.... yeah.

--Sandra